Please visit Tim Gallen’s great site, The Daily Gallen, to read my take on Perseverance.
While you are there, read some of his wonderful posts and observations on life.
©Kerzner 2002/2012
So: What do Valentine’s Day and gratitude have in common, you may ask? In my case, quite a lot actually. This is my third (count ’em folks, that’s three!) marriage. You know what they say: “Practice makes perfect!” Well … I’m not sure about the perfect part, but on the whole, it is pretty damn good.
Consider that my wife could’ve had anyone she wanted. No, seriously. She was hotter than hot (as in “Finer than frog hair”). She had a great job, her own house, a killer vintage hot rod, and a good head on her shoulders. It’s not like she needed a man, or a husband. I, on the other hand, was a train wreck! There were a number of issues I was procrastinating in dealing with because I did not want to admit defeat and failure. I was an amusement, something different. I was cocky, ballsy, and wicked funny. I also kept my word, as things turned out. I had a sense of honor.
As things progressed, I keep chasing her and chasing her. One day her best friend sat me down and basically said that I had quite the set of balls to be expecting anything in the way of a permanent relationship until I took care of the issues I was procrastinating on finishing up. Me being me, I made a list as this person sat there reading me the riot act, saying that without these things being dealt with, there wouldn’t be a permanent relationship. Now, my wife and her friend didn’t believe that I would take care of all these difficulties at all, much less do it in a relatively short amount of time. But I did. I said I would, and they had laughed; but I did it.
So, after chasing and chasing, she finally let me “catch” her. Interesting. Anyway … so here we are, many years later, and still married! Amazing. We live in our dream home, with beautiful, peaceful gardens, and inspiring artwork. We share the mornings (when the sun fills the house with light) over a cup of my hand-blended Happy Budah coffee. She handles the linear logic, and I handle abstract logic. We discuss politics, art, history, travel, and laugh at The Big Bang Theory. We discuss finances together (whereas before, I was lost in this area). She has been kind enough and smart enough to allow me to pursue my dreams (writing and artwork). She has also been patient with my acquisition of guitars and amps, which we both hope I’ll be able to play fairly well someday. (I’m working on it!) While I am still not allowed to use power tools, I have been known to change out faucets and repair toilets. We are both at a point where it is OK to have some alone time without feeling jilted and neglected.
So, everything is honkey-dory, right? Silly people! This is a marriage, not a fairy tale. There are things that she will never understand. She knows my recovery is important to me, but to her, it shouldn’t be a difficulty to stay clean and sober. She is proud of me for doing it, but does not see where the difficulty is in doing so. For those of you who are with someone who is right about things 99% of the time, you know how frustrating that can be. For my part, she will never cease to be frustrated by me getting lost in a paper bag, or trying to visualize how to put something together. In fairness though, she has become somewhat more patient over the years. Are there days that we wake up and say “What was I thinking?” Sure – you bet. But she has been the best friend I have ever had. She always has my back. When life and the universe kick me in the nuts, and I dust myself off and get up, she is there to give me a hand. As much as I drive her crazy sometimes, she respects me because I have always kept my word whenever I have given it. I don’t quit. And she loves me because I still make her laugh and smile. I am very grateful to have her in my life. Best thing to happen for me so far.
To Teresa I say, thanks for letting me “catch” you. Thanks for being in my life. Thanks for sharing the day-to-day with me. Loves you mucho!
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Please check out my guest post at my friend Christine Royse Niles’ blog, River Of Thoughts.
Thanks … and while you are there, do check out some of Christine’s excellent posts!
Thank you Christine for having me post at your blog; very kind of you.
So, you’ve been on the road to recovery, working your program diligently. Things are going well for you. Seems like there is light at the end of the tunnel. You are working the steps, going to meetings, and things have improved.
There is still a nagging feeling though, like you have forgotten something; something is still left undone, but you can’t quite put your finger on what it might be. It really should not be that hard to figure out, and it is the one thing that will bring you down even faster that guilt. What can this thing be, you ask? Baggage!!!
Baggage is the tattered remains of your past. It is the wreckage you left behind in your wake as you blew through people’s lives. It lives in you, rent free in your head, 24/7. It is all the aspects of your life from the past, waiting to be resolved. They speak to you when you wake and as you lay down to sleep each night. Sooner or later, they must be dealt with. This is where the 4th through 10th steps come into play. Taking inventory, making a list of persons we had harmed, trying to make amends to those we had harmed where possible, asking our higher power to remove our shortcomings. These things must be done in order for us to heal and move on.
There are going to be things we did that can not be undone for a variety of reasons. People die, they move, or, maybe they just do not want any part of us anymore. We must make every effort to make amends where possible, without causing harm when we do so! We will not absolve our souls at someone else’s expense. For those who do not want to accept our apology, or give us a chance to make things right, we have to respect that. We can not fixate on it; we accept it, move on, and hope one day for the opportunity to make that amend. Perhaps when the party we have wronged sees that we really are trying to live a life in an honest recovery, they will afford us the opportunity to set things right. However, we can not beat ourselves up over things we can not change. If a person we harmed has died, obviously we can not make an amend there, can we? In this case, the best thing we can do is live the best life we can, being the best we can be every day, clean and sober.
We can not let our baggage sit, tucked away, collecting dust, buried somewhere in our heads while we say we will deal with it “another day.” This will destroy us completely. Moving forward in our recovery means facing our fears, confronting our past, and setting things right as much as is possible. So, claim your baggage, unpack it, sort it, deal with it, and move on.
— Image is ©Kerzner 2008 —
We hear many things over the course of our recovery in our respective meeting halls (or “in the rooms,” if you prefer). These often include “It works if you work it!”, “Easy Does It!”, and “It’s a selfish program.” I am still surprised in many ways how often “It’s a selfish program” is misunderstood and/or misinterpreted. It IS a selfish program in that the main priority is achieving and maintaining quality sobriety. However, this is not accomplished to the exclusion of all other aspects of our lives. Also: AA is a selfless program. The two work hand in hand, along with gratitude, and a willingness to do the work.
When we are new in our recovery, we see the world as both scary and full of possibilities. Most want to embrace their recovery with a vengeance, almost as if they can get back all the wasted years of their addiction(s). Most are more than willing to try recovery as they have run out of plausible options. Sometimes, lacking the learning, experience, and wisdom that comes with long-term recovery, some take “It’s a selfish program” to mean that it is all about them. They are thinking “I come first. My recovery comes first. It’s all about me.” Yes, recovery comes first, for without sobriety, where will we be in our life’s journey? Recovery should be the priority, but not in place of, or to the exclusion of our other responsibilities. IF we are fortunate enough, we are still husbands, wives, partners. We are also fathers, mothers, sisters, and brothers. If we are fortunate enough to still be employed, we are also employees, team members, bosses. None of these go away just because we have seen the light and decided to work on being clean/sober. The world goes on, and we must function in it. These responsibilities are also part of our sobriety, believe it or not. Working an honest recovery means being “honest in all our affairs”; this means we honor our obligations and responsibilities, at home, at work, wherever.
As mentioned earlier, AA is also about being selfless. This is what is meant when we speak of serving others and “giving it away.” Helping around the house will get noticed. Participating more in your home group is noticed. Giving your boss and teammates at work an honest day’s effort will get noticed (and will be appreciated too!). The idea is that we don’t think ONLY of ourselves and OUR needs. We help people where, when, and however we are able and willing to do so – even in the small things. We begin to give away the possibility and promise of the stability, and hopefully, peace, we have found in our own sobriety. We are a beacon to our fellow human beings of what is possible through recovery. This is what we give away most: The idea that anyone can experience a better life through recovery, if they are willing to do the work. We give away the idea that a new beginning IS possible.
Now, all this does not mean life is a bed of roses and all our difficulties will vanish. That is a fairy tale that no one promises. AA promises hope, a new beginning, possibly sanity, and hopefully peace and contentment. There is still all that wreckage from our addiction(s) and their consequences scattered throughout our lives. We have to clean that up as much as possible, and some of it can not be completely made right. There will still be haters and knuckleheads in our paths daily, and we learn to deal with this in a constructive, positive way. We will still have setbacks. Recovery is about learning how to deal with all this and not lash out, pawn it off on others as being their fault, and/or crawl inside a bottle, or drop pills, hit the casino, or just run away. Recovery is hard. No one said it is easy. The key to a good working recovery is balance. Balance between prioritizing our ongoing recovery efforts, honoring our responsibilities, AND serving others. This is what recovery is really all about.