Category Archives: Recovery

Meteors, Dash-cams, and You

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Fest Monster

On Friday morning, February 15th, 2013, a meteor exploded over a fairly remote Russian town. There was an abundance of video of the event due to the fact that most Russian drivers have a dash-cam mounted in their vehicle. Why is that, you may ask? The reason is surprisingly simple: In court, dash-cam footage is the most reliable way to prove what actually occurred in any given incident. Also, dash-cam footage is the only way to substantiate your claim(s) in a court of law. Another interesting aspect is that dash-cams protect people from bribery, bullying/beatings by traffic police, believed by many Russians to be among the most corrupt institutions in their country.

So, what if that were the case in this country? Better still, what if everything you did all day long was recorded and you were forced to watch that at the end of each day? Would we like what we saw? Would we try to do better because we know someone is watching? Would we change what we do, and how we do it? Would we change whom we do things with, and what we do with them? … All because someone is watching?

Well, guess what? Recovery is a 24/7 proposition. There is someone watching, and that someone should be you! When we enter recovery, we are told that we need to change our playmates and playgrounds. We have to shed bad habits and bad behaviors that are entrenched in our makeup, for whatever reason. We are told that we need to work on our recovery every day, and eventually we may get to a “good place.” Even then, we will still have to work at our recovery to maintain it. Recovery is really a relationship that we have with ourselves, and as with any relationship, if we want this one to reach its full potential, there is always work to be done. Just like any other relationship, if we take recovery for granted, it will begin to fray around the edges. As time goes on, piece by piece, our recovery will unravel.

Now it isn’t that there is someone on our back cracking a whip. The situation is more like a parent watching their child, guiding them, encouraging them, even admonishing them when needed. Just as a child needs nourishment, so too does the person in recovery. Our nourishment is more of our soul and spirit, which more often than not, was beaten into submission, maybe even destroyed. As our recovery progresses, we gain strength of spirit, mind, body, and begin to deal with the world as it is in a much more realistic, constructive way.

Unlike a lover or partner we have tired of, we can not just get a divorce. In our case, divorce is equivalent to insanity, jail, or death. That seems to be a powerful incentive (you would think). Sadly, sometimes addiction wins and we die. We should work on our recovery because for us it is the same as drinking water, eating, bathing, and sleeping. It isn’t a burden; it’s a joy because it assures us of a better life than we had. We should do it gladly, not because anybody is or isn’t watching.

 

Baggage

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Hidden Faces

So, you’ve been on the road to recovery, working your program diligently. Things are going well for you. Seems like there is light at the end of the tunnel. You are working the steps, going to meetings, and things have improved.

There is still a nagging feeling though, like you have forgotten something; something is still left undone, but you can’t quite put your finger on what it might be. It really should not be that hard to figure out, and it is the one thing that will bring you down even faster that guilt. What can this thing be, you ask? Baggage!!!

Baggage is the tattered remains of your past. It is the wreckage you left behind in your wake as you blew through people’s lives. It lives in you, rent free in your head, 24/7. It is all the aspects of your life from the past, waiting to be resolved. They speak to you when you wake and as you lay down to sleep each night. Sooner or later, they must be dealt with. This is where the 4th through 10th steps come into play. Taking inventory, making a list of persons we had harmed, trying to make amends to those we had harmed where possible, asking our higher power to remove our shortcomings. These things must be done in order for us to heal and move on.

There are going to be things we did that can not be undone for a variety of reasons. People die, they move, or, maybe they just do not want any part of us anymore. We must make every effort to make amends where possible, without causing harm when we do so! We will not absolve our souls at someone else’s expense. For those who do not want to accept our apology, or give us a chance to make things right, we have to respect that. We can not fixate on it; we accept it, move on, and hope one day for the opportunity to make that amend. Perhaps when the party we have wronged sees that we really are trying to live a life in an honest recovery, they will afford us the opportunity to set things right. However, we can not beat ourselves up over things we can not change. If a person we harmed has died, obviously we can not make an amend there, can we? In this case, the best thing we can do is live the best life we can, being the best we can be every day, clean and sober.

We can not let our baggage sit, tucked away, collecting dust, buried somewhere in our heads while we say we will deal with it “another day.” This will destroy us completely. Moving forward in our recovery means facing our fears, confronting our past, and setting things right as much as is possible. So, claim your baggage, unpack it, sort it, deal with it, and move on.

“It’s A Selfish Program.”

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-- Image is ©Kerzner 2008 --

— Image is ©Kerzner 2008 —

We hear many things over the course of our recovery in our respective meeting halls (or “in the rooms,” if you prefer). These often include “It works if you work it!”, “Easy Does It!”, and “It’s a selfish program.” I am still surprised in many ways how often “It’s a selfish program” is misunderstood and/or misinterpreted. It IS a selfish program in that the main priority is achieving and maintaining quality sobriety. However, this is not accomplished to the exclusion of all other aspects of our lives. Also: AA is a selfless program. The two work hand in hand, along with gratitude, and a willingness to do the work.

When we are new in our recovery, we see the world as both scary and full of possibilities. Most want to embrace their recovery with a vengeance, almost as if they can get back all the wasted years of their addiction(s). Most are more than willing to try recovery as they have run out of plausible options. Sometimes, lacking the learning, experience, and wisdom that comes with long-term recovery, some take “It’s a selfish program” to mean that it is all about them. They are thinking “I come first. My recovery comes first. It’s all about me.” Yes, recovery comes first, for without sobriety, where will we be in our life’s journey? Recovery should be the priority, but not in place of, or to the exclusion of our other responsibilities. IF we are fortunate enough, we are still husbands, wives, partners. We are also fathers, mothers, sisters, and brothers. If we are fortunate enough to still be employed, we are also employees, team members, bosses. None of these go away just because we have seen the light and decided to work on being clean/sober. The world goes on, and we must function in it. These responsibilities are also part of our sobriety, believe it or not. Working an honest recovery means being “honest in all our affairs”; this means we honor our obligations and responsibilities, at home, at work, wherever.

As mentioned earlier, AA is also about being selfless. This is what is meant when we speak of serving others and “giving it away.” Helping around the house will get noticed. Participating more in your home group is noticed. Giving your boss and teammates at work an honest day’s effort will get noticed (and will be appreciated too!). The idea is that we don’t think ONLY of ourselves and OUR needs. We help people where, when, and however we are able and willing to do so – even in the small things. We begin to give away the possibility and promise of the stability, and hopefully, peace, we have found in our own sobriety. We are a beacon to our fellow human beings of what is possible through recovery. This is what we give away most: The idea that anyone can experience a better life through recovery, if they are willing to do the work. We give away the idea that a new beginning IS possible.

Now, all this does not mean life is a bed of roses and all our difficulties will vanish. That is a fairy tale that no one promises. AA promises hope, a new beginning, possibly sanity, and hopefully peace and contentment. There is still all that wreckage from our addiction(s) and their consequences scattered throughout our lives. We have to clean that up as much as possible, and some of it can not be completely made right. There will still be haters and knuckleheads in our paths daily, and we learn to deal with this in a constructive, positive way. We will still have setbacks. Recovery is about learning how to deal with all this and not lash out, pawn it off on others as being their fault, and/or crawl inside a bottle, or drop pills, hit the casino, or just run away. Recovery is hard. No one said it is easy. The key to a good working recovery is balance. Balance between prioritizing our ongoing recovery efforts, honoring our responsibilities, AND serving others. This is what recovery is really all about.

 

“You can’t stay sober today on yesterday’s sobriety.”

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The Voice

“You can’t stay sober today on yesterday’s sobriety.” I saw this today and thought to myself “Boy is that the truth!” It really does not matter WHAT we are recovering from, we can not rest on yesterday’s progress, can we? Could be a car wreck, bad relationship, really bad, abusive relationship; drugs, sex, booze, gambling … it really doesn’t matter, does it? So, the question arises, “Why not? I’m doing OK. Why can’t I take a breather and take it easy a little bit? It isn’t going to hurt anyone.” In AA, we refer to this as stinking thinking, and this is precisely the thinking that will get you dead.

Think about where you came from … the hole you had to claw your way up and out of. Think of the pain, the struggle, the education. Perhaps you only had a few people care enough to help you, or maybe you were one of the fortunate ones that had family and friends rally around you, give you a hand up. Maybe you were never in jeopardy of losing your job, your home, your way of life. When I hit bottom, I was facing losing everything. The only friend I had was me and that was doing me a whole world of good (sarcasm!). A couple of my superiors took pity on me because they thought I had potential as a human being and I made them laugh: they thought I was redeemable, and repairable. I busted my ass to get sober, go through withdrawal, get educated, go through counseling, confront the truth.

The day after Christmas this year, I will have 24 years of being clean & sober. Every day, I STILL have to work to stay clean & sober. Things are good now. I have accepted who I am, shortcomings and all, and I try to better the things I can. I still work on educating myself, doing the steps, trying to help others, and staying clean & sober. At this point it would be really easy to ease up a little and not stay buckled down on it. Deep down though, I know that that is the voices calling to me. Those voices are calling me back to places I never want to go again. My recovery has meant that I do things that people do not understand, and often take the wrong way. Once I got squared away, I made up my mind that never again would I be with people I didn’t want to be with, in places I didn’t want to be, spending my money, and wasting myself and my time. To this day, I don’t do this and sometimes that causes friction. I am extremely particular about who I call a friend; not because I am stuck-up, but because I don’t settle anymore. I do my best to live up to the standards I hold others to. Somedays I fall short; but I do not make it a habit because now I care.

Addiction and codependency are sneaky: they will lie and cajole you. They will caress you with lies and a false sense of independence so that you let your guard down, becoming less vigilant. They will say “It’s been a long time, it’s OK. Live a little. Have fun.” There is nothing fun about being in a shitty relationship, even if it is with yourself: actually, especially if it is with yourself. After all the work we did and continue to do, one day at a time, we owe it to ourselves to continue working on us. Don’t give in – don’t rest on the success of yesterday. It will kill you.

What Is Hurricane Sandy Teaching Us About Recovery?

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Chairs with Sailboat Sunrise

What Is Hurricane Sandy Teaching Us About Recovery? Good question. Let’s take a look.

We all know that this storm has devastated countless lives, destroyed property, and stolen the security of hearth and home from many.  The sense of the familiar, and the comfort of routine are gone. All this has been replaced with clearing away the wreckage, taking stock of what remains, and then, rebuilding. As a country, we will begin rebuilding homes, families, communities, friendships, and lives. We will seek to regain and renew our sense of purpose, and the security we once knew. There will be times we will have to put whatever reservations and difficulties we may have with our neighbors aside, and work together for the common good.

For those of us involved in addiction recovery, all this should sound eerily familiar. Our addiction brought us to varying degrees of destruction. We had damaged our reputation, our relationships; lost our homes and families, and in a twisted sick way, our routine and sense of “normalcy” (as we envisioned normal to be within the context of the twisted existence we were living). Comfort in the familiar, and our sense of security, were gone once we hit bottom. We had to begin anew. We had to assess the damage, see what was salvageable, and then, begin to rebuild our lives starting with ourselves first. We had to reassess things we believed to be stable and unshakable, and determine how to approach them anew. We had to cultivate healthy and productive habits and approaches to solving problems instead of procrastinating, or feigning that they didn’t exist. This rebuilding required education, training, and often, cooperation with those that we previously would not have trusted or worked with at all.

Just as we have learned to do these things and worked tirelessly to maintain our hard-won progress, the country is in the process of doing these same things. Already we see differences put aside and people working together for the common good. Already we see a recognition that old ways must change and long-held beliefs must be examined, and possibly abandoned. Mostly, we see working toward renewal and rebuilding, with a firm determination and sense of purpose.

Isn’t that what recovery is all about?

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