Category Archives: Free Fallin’

About People Pleasing

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I used to be a people pleaser

In addiction, people pleasing is extremely important for a variety of reasons. If we keep those around us happy, they are less like to really look at us, look at what we are doing, or how we are doing it. The most important reason we people please in addiction is because it is a weapon; it is yet one more tool that we use to manipulate people and in turn, circumstances and outcomes.

Now, “normies” people please too. They do it for some of the same reasons addicted folks do, but mostly, to avoid conflict. For 99% of them, it is not a weapon that they rely on 24/7. Those of us blessed with addictions build our world, our survival on a few simple, but crucial principles:

Always control the situation so we are not found out, dismissed, fired, divorced, arrested, etc.

Hide our addiction(s) at all costs.

Hide the shitty things we do, physically, morally, financially, or otherwise to keep our addiction(s) under wraps. (The joke of that is that most everyone we deal with is aware of our affliction. Most often, even before we are.)

People pleasing keeps things calm, and easy. Less fuss, less muss. If we keep people happy, life is so much easier; so we believe. Now mind you, people pleasing does work up to a point. But in the end, whether clean, sober, or even as a “normie,” those we try the hardest to please so as to gain their favor, or alliance, will treat us as they would treat anyone else.

Another reason we sometimes people please in our addictions is to win friends, because we are lonely or we have a really poor self image and/or sense of self-worth.

In the end, by doing this we are dishonest with those we are trying to please, and most importantly, ourselves. Why? Because we re not being who really are. It’s the same reason we drink, dope, whatever; when we are under the influence, we can be someone, something else – anybody else but who we really are because we are not worthy.

That friends, is why addiction is such a stone cold motherfucker that takes so many lives. It’s the disease that always convinces us that we are shit, and there is no hope for us.

The beauty of being clean and sober is that we see things more clearly. In a good recovery program, we are more inclined to be ourselves, more often. We try to treat those around us as we want to be treated as opposed to currying favor being someone we are not.

People pleasing is not realistic and is not honest behavior. It has no place in a strong recovery.

What The Hell Happened to You?

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Revere-House-Door_5488

It has been just shy of 11 months since I have quit smoking. Last time I wrote here, I was full of a sense of accomplishment. It had taken me 43 years to quit. That’s over four decades of wasted time, wasted money, and in the end, wasted life. Still, I felt good about myself because what kind of recovery would I be working if I could quit drugs, and booze, but not cigarettes?

Since having quit smoking, I have been sick with bronchitis, chest infections, and a persistent “pneumonia” that my healthcare providers are just starting to consider is not really pneumonia.

I look in the mirror these days and I’m thinking, “What the fuck happened to you?” I am not healthy. My sleep pattern is lacking, to say the least. I weigh 40 pounds more than I would care to… I have let myself go.

I think part of it is the realization that maybe the glory days are gone. I appreciate that I am not 20 years old anymore, but I am not ready to be in my mid-fifties either. (Is anyone ever ready for that?) Yes, I am extremely grateful that I am here at all; really, I am. I think I had been hoping that perhaps I might have accomplished more.

I was able to get a job earlier this year but that turned out to not be a good fit, and not the right job for me. On the other hand, I have been promoted to Editor-in-Chief of the music magazine I have been involved with for the past 4 years. In this context, I continue to meet new people, and help musicians and artists where I can. I learn new things about people, publishing, writing, and the music industry every day. I cannot express just how much I am enjoying this particular aspect of my journey, and the personal growth it brings to my life.

So, while “gratitude is the attitude,” I am slowly coming to terms with what is. It is time for a turnaround. I am going to reach deep down, and dig deep one more time and start anew. Physically, I must get into shape, change my diet, and get better quality sleep. Mentally, I must challenge myself again. I think I am finally going to actually make a concerted REAL effort to learn to play the music I enjoy on the guitar, at least passably. I am going to get better at being an editor every day too. Spiritually, no more letting assholes live rent free in my head. Usually, I am pretty good at that.

Part of all this is that I think somewhere deep down inside, I never thought I’d make it this far. Now that I have, I have to plot a course. Again, I am very grateful. I live in a modest home that is the home I always dreamed of. My wife knows me and loves me anyway. She is the best friend I have. I am still crazy about her. I have food on the table, access to healthcare, and always, an ample supply of my own, hand-blended, Happy Budah coffee. Life is good. I don’t have many friends – true friends, but the ones I do have would do anything for me, and they love me, warts and all.

Most importantly, I am still clean and sober. Without this, there can be nothing else. Nothing.

Gratitude Is Still the Attitude

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eleanor roosevelt - discuss

Hello to all!

Hope this post finds everyone doing well. Yes, I have been gone for a while, haven’t I? No excuses; it has been far too long!

It has been an interesting year, and I began to concentrate on other things. While I have not neglected my recovery, I obviously have neglected this site. To those who were following me, let me offer my apologies. I will make a renewed effort to write more often in this, the New Year.

This year, like any other was filled with many obstacles I’ve had to navigate; some ethical, some social, some business, and some spiritual.

There have been times this year when I had to make decisions that have put some people off. This is unfortunate, but in the end, I did what I thought was right. Those that were put off can either do their best to see my perspective, even though they don’t agree, or, they can just be put off. Their choice.

In the course of writing, one has to be ever mindful of political sensitivities, as well as personal viewpoints. I have striven to write quality content that is honest, on message, without unnecessary distraction(s) in the outlets I write for. If something is not on point, relative to the story, and the message or theme, I do not bring it into play. In these outlets, I am writing for a specific community, and I see it as my job to be informative, honest, accurate, always moving conversations forward in a productive, positive way. I do not feel I’m be duplicitous by doing this; it’s my responsibility, above all to be professional.

On the social side of things, I have made some changes; some small, and others not so small. I have not been a person that gives with the hope of “getting something in return.” There are those who can not really do anything for me other than be positive, and encourage me. To some, that might not be much, but to me, that is huge! My greatest joy has been to help these people in whatever way I can, even if it is something small, but I know it means a lot to them.

There are others that have helped me in ways that I can not ever repay, tit for tat. As I am usually the one saying, “Don’t worry about it,” this has been difficult for me when I am the one that can not pay someone back, in whatever way. I am getting better though. And, it makes me feel good inside that people care enough to help me achieve my dreams and goals.

There are some adjustments I have made this year as far as dealing with people during the course of “doing business.” Naturally, if a situation becomes intolerable, and the relevant issues can not be resolved in a mutually acceptable manner, one must simply walk away, moving on, and be thankful for the lessons learned. Sometime however, it is not best to move on, if there is a possibility that issues can be resolved.

The biggest issue I’ve dealt with this year has been with people taking me for granted. (Yes, I know that sounds so self-absorbed, but in reality, it is just a matter of practicality, truth, and self-respect.)  In the past, I have given people the benefit of the doubt, but this year, for some reason, I am less and less inclined to do so. There are two ways this happens: Those who just get busy and caught up in their own lives, and those who consciously do it just to squeeze the most they can get out of someone.

If the person is someone close, and someone who is important to me, I’ll see what’s up because maybe there is some serious shit going down in their lives I was not aware of. If I can assist them in some way, and they want my assistance, I will give it.

If it is someone with whom I must do business with, then I am inclined to bring it up and discuss relevant issues. If there is no change, then I speak through actions, or more appropriately, lack of action. Just as silence can be deafening, and as Miles Davis aptly said, “Less is more”, I do not do the extra I had been doing before. I don’t pick up someone’s slack anymore. I carry my weight, and I execute my responsibilities to the best of my ability, but everything else is no longer my concern. (Yes, I am concerned about it to the extent I want it to work out well, but if it is beyond my control, I have to let it go.) And lately, I do not feel angry, nor do I feel guilty. I have worth, as do we all. That’s not conceit, that’s fact. So, for those who no longer value my efforts on the team’s behalf, I guess they will have to pick up the slack, or show me they value my contributions.

As for me, just as me, I have made some strides. On the plus side, I am meeting new people, learning new things, and visiting new places. My recovery is in a good place, and on the 26th of December, I celebrated 26 years clean and sober.

Things I need to work on: Quit smoking and lose weight. Learn more, do more, be more.

The best thing about 2014 is that I am ever more grateful for my wife, Teresa, who encourages me, kicks me in the ass when I need it, and knows me, and loves me anyway. Sure, there are days we drive each other batshit-crazy, but in the end, she is my best friend. I am grateful as well to have a roof over my head, food on the table, and the opportunity to write about the music I love. I am grateful for these past 26 years that I have had, which I would not have lived had I not sought sobriety and recovery.

So, in the end, Gratitude is still the attitude!

Still Learning, Still Growing

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"A long long time ago, I can still remember ..."

“A long long time ago, I can still remember …”

Buddy Guy taught me how to fight for my dreams. Johnny Cash taught me how to live a full life. Muhammad Ali taught me how to stand up for what I believe in, and be true to myself.

If you don’t understand this, go and read about how these gentleman have pursued life, and the obstacles they conquered.

911: Two Decisions That Saved My Life

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View of the Twin Towers site from in front of the Flatiron Building at noon on 911.

View of the Twin Towers site from in front of the Flatiron Building at noon on 911.

There were two decisions I made that saved my life (and my wife’s as well) on September 11th, 2001. We had planned a trip to  New York City so we could see various sites and I could photograph them. Of particular interest was the newly restored Grand Central Terminal, and the Twin Towers of The World Trade Center. Having grown up in and around New York City, it was always good to go back and visit periodically; lot’s of good memories in and around the city.

My wife had made reservations for us to stay at The Marriott World Trade Center, at 3 World Trade Center, with the towers rising above it. She thought this would be a great idea. I, however, did not want to stay in the financial district. Previously, we had stayed at the Grand Hyatt New York, on East 42nd St, approximately 2 blocks from Grand Central Terminal. I liked the surrounding area there, and the fact that when you walked outside, the Chrysler Building rose right in front of you in all it’s Art Deco glory. As things turned out, the Marriott World Trade Center was destroyed when both towers fell on it in turn: Falling first, the South Tower split the hotel in two, and then later, the North Tower destroyed the remnants of the hotel except a small section in which 14 people survived. (They only survived because that particular section had been reinforced after the 1993 bombing at the World Trade Center.)

That Tuesday morning clear; a beautiful blue sky, and not overly warm. We were excited about visiting Grand Central Terminal in particular because they had recently completed the restoration project that Jacqueline Kennedy had been deeply involved in, and they did an astounding job. About two weeks before the visit, I had contacted the Operations Manager of the terminal and told him I was going to photograph the building for a possible showing I had wanted to do. He was very gracious about the whole thing and said to find him when we got there and he would give us a tour! (My apologies, but his name escapes me now.) So the plan was to shoot the photos at the terminal on our little tour, hop a train, and head to the Twin Towers observation deck to get some panoramic skyline shots.

When we arrived at Grand Central Terminal, we located the Operations Manager who gave a really extensive tour, including areas not accessible to the public. One of these areas was a catwalk up above the main lobby. The walls were made of marble and the floor was made of 10″ thick quartz. On the left wall, the window opened to Vanderbilt Ave and on the right wall, the window opened to the beautiful lobby we are all so familiar with.

GTC: Main Lobby as viewed from above.
Grand Central Terminal, Main Lobby as viewed from above. 08:30 hrs 9.11.2001
Grand Central Terminal: Catwalk above the main lobby. 08:30 hrs 9.11.2001

So having finished photographing the building, I decided we would drop by our hotel room real quick and download the images to my laptop so my memory card would be empty. (Remember: This was 2001 when 4GB and 8GB compact flash cards were not generally available.) Upon exiting the terminal, a passer-by asked if we had heard that “a plane just hit the World Trade Center.” So we are thinking, a Cessna or some small type plane must have hit it. When we got to our room, we promptly turned on the TV and saw that it was a jumbo jet and I looked at my wife and said: “This is an attack.” We sat there in disbelief. As we are watching this, the second plane hits the South Tower. Now consider that we are in a hotel room, but I swear you could almost hear the collective sigh and gasp of the city’s people when that plane hit the building. It was almost as if time itself had stopped. Had I not stopped to download my memory card, we would have either been in the elevator on our way up to the observation deck or just stepping out on to it.

Like everyone else, we sat and watched as events unfolded in stunned anger and amazement. As I sit and write this, 11 years later, I am crying, even now. Having grown up in the area, I have many memories of The World Trade Center. There were gatherings of friends on the observation deck; time spent at Windows On The World; shopping in the vast underground station and “Mall” at the World Trade Center. I remember when I was a child, driving past the immense holes being dug that eventually became the “bath-tubs” that keep the water out. We took dates up to the roof for a kiss and maybe a picnic (yes … a picnic … and that usually went over well, even with having to fight the wind). It was as if our heart was being ripped out.

Later on, we eventually found a place to grab some Chinese food and then went uptown. The whole scene on the street was surreal. Military jets overhead. Because the police, firefighters, etc. were all at or headed to Ground Zero, Auxiliary Police, academy cadets, and National Guard had been dispersed and were all over. Everyone was shocked, concerned, and dazed. After walking around a little, we went back to our room and spent the rest of the day just watching the TV.

So, was it fate or divine intervention that we were not killed that day? Whatever the explanation, I often think about how fortunate we are compared to so many others. It has definitely given us a different perspective on life: what’s important and what is not.

WTC Harbor View 10:00 10 September 2001
World Trade Center:  Harbor View 10:00 10 September 2001