Author Archives: barryk21

Take A Chance … On You!

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Steps

Steps (St. Augustine, FL) Image ©Kerzner 2012

What am I gonna do now? Where am I gonna live? Are they gonna keep me at work? Is s/he gonna divorce me now? What then? What about the kids? What about insurance? How am I gonna show my face at work now? Jesus: playing this game straight? How the hell am I gonna do that? What the hell am I gonna do now? I’m done. Jeez …

We all remember those thoughts going through our heads when we hit bottom, no matter what the situation was; drinking, drugging, gambling, sex, abusive relationship … whatever. We were at Ground Zero. We were lost, scared, confused, and a hair’s breath from hopeless! Think about that: It’s probably as fresh and real now as when we went through it, however long ago. We had to start all over, with the very basics! We had to unlearn all the dysfunctional personal and social habits that were ensconced in our very psyche. In some cases we had to learn other basics that had been denied us due to circumstances: reading, writing, or balancing a checkbook (because we couldn’t, didn’t and/or were not permitted to handle the finances). We had to learn how to relate to people without our charades, crutches, and facades; you know, all the lies we told ourselves and everyone else. Oh, and by the way, we had to find new playmates and playgrounds too. Now, who wants to stand up and say that all of that was not a terrifying mess!

Guess what? We picked up the pieces of our shattered and damaged souls, and with the help of others, we traveled the road to rebuilding ourselves. That has been a lot of hard work and we did most of the heavy lifting. Hopefully, we are now at a point in our recovery where we are minding the basics and doing daily maintenance. Life isn’t roses every day, and some of us lost a lot (maybe even everything); but things are a lot better than they were. Best of all, we now have hope.

So friends, realizing all of this, why would you tell yourself you can’t go after the dreams you have for a better you? Having done all you have done (believing at the time that none of it was possible), why would you doubt yourself? Go ahead: Take a chance on you!

Scared To Dream?

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Boston Alleyway

There are various kinds of recovery, and various obstacles to overcome in each case. There is however, a common thread in all of these: damage has been done. This damage can be physical, emotional, psychological, or all of the above. It really doesn’t matter if we have inflicted this damage ourselves, or as in some cases, it is caused by the actions of others. This applies to co-dependents and family members as well. Everyone in the family will experience fallout in one form or another. This damage affects lives in a very real way! One of the major casualties of this damage is the spark we once had in our spirit; the excitement of looking to the future and dreaming about it.

There are many reasons people stop dreaming:

Resignation – The belief that we are consigned to the life we have and that this is as good as it will get for us.

Being comfortable with the familiar –  After all, change is a huge, scary unknown, and even though our current situation is less than ideal, it is familiar.

We are not deserving enough – We have done nothing special or exceptional and surely dreams are for others, and not for us.

We were told we will “never amount to anything,” and we have come to believe it.

Part of recovery is that we take a holistic approach to healing ourselves. This healing includes our physical being, our mind, and our spirit. This healing will be incomplete and ineffective if we heal only part of ourselves. To heal completely, we must heal all of who we are so we can become who we are destined to be. The status quo can no longer be good enough. We can no longer be comfortable in the familiar. We will no longer stumble through the day believing we have no worth to others, or ourselves. We can no longer listen to those voices that lie to us and tell us we are not worth reaching for our dreams. Dreaming is an exciting journey, filled with frustration and reward. This excitement keeps our spirit engaged and keeps us enthused. Dreaming means we are moving forward, reaching, growing; leaving the wreckage of the past, and old ways behind. Dreaming means we are confronting our fears and acting to conquer them.

Not to dream is a slow death of the soul. Don’t give in to this! You do deserve better! You can reach for goals. All you have to do is give yourself license to let go, take a chance on you, and dream.

“You can’t stay sober today on yesterday’s sobriety.”

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The Voice

“You can’t stay sober today on yesterday’s sobriety.” I saw this today and thought to myself “Boy is that the truth!” It really does not matter WHAT we are recovering from, we can not rest on yesterday’s progress, can we? Could be a car wreck, bad relationship, really bad, abusive relationship; drugs, sex, booze, gambling … it really doesn’t matter, does it? So, the question arises, “Why not? I’m doing OK. Why can’t I take a breather and take it easy a little bit? It isn’t going to hurt anyone.” In AA, we refer to this as stinking thinking, and this is precisely the thinking that will get you dead.

Think about where you came from … the hole you had to claw your way up and out of. Think of the pain, the struggle, the education. Perhaps you only had a few people care enough to help you, or maybe you were one of the fortunate ones that had family and friends rally around you, give you a hand up. Maybe you were never in jeopardy of losing your job, your home, your way of life. When I hit bottom, I was facing losing everything. The only friend I had was me and that was doing me a whole world of good (sarcasm!). A couple of my superiors took pity on me because they thought I had potential as a human being and I made them laugh: they thought I was redeemable, and repairable. I busted my ass to get sober, go through withdrawal, get educated, go through counseling, confront the truth.

The day after Christmas this year, I will have 24 years of being clean & sober. Every day, I STILL have to work to stay clean & sober. Things are good now. I have accepted who I am, shortcomings and all, and I try to better the things I can. I still work on educating myself, doing the steps, trying to help others, and staying clean & sober. At this point it would be really easy to ease up a little and not stay buckled down on it. Deep down though, I know that that is the voices calling to me. Those voices are calling me back to places I never want to go again. My recovery has meant that I do things that people do not understand, and often take the wrong way. Once I got squared away, I made up my mind that never again would I be with people I didn’t want to be with, in places I didn’t want to be, spending my money, and wasting myself and my time. To this day, I don’t do this and sometimes that causes friction. I am extremely particular about who I call a friend; not because I am stuck-up, but because I don’t settle anymore. I do my best to live up to the standards I hold others to. Somedays I fall short; but I do not make it a habit because now I care.

Addiction and codependency are sneaky: they will lie and cajole you. They will caress you with lies and a false sense of independence so that you let your guard down, becoming less vigilant. They will say “It’s been a long time, it’s OK. Live a little. Have fun.” There is nothing fun about being in a shitty relationship, even if it is with yourself: actually, especially if it is with yourself. After all the work we did and continue to do, one day at a time, we owe it to ourselves to continue working on us. Don’t give in – don’t rest on the success of yesterday. It will kill you.