Author Archives: barryk21

Today’s Post 42 Years In the Making: I Quit!

camel-no-filter-regular-cig

Yep folks, today’s post has been in the making for 42 years. I started smoking when I was 13 years old. That was a long time ago. At various points in my life, I smoked as much as 2 packs a day, either Pall Malls or Camels. Yes sir, 2 packs a day of non-filter cigarettes while I was stationed near the DMZ in Korea when I was barely 18. That went on for maybe a year.

I was the type of smoker that really enjoyed smoking. The draw, the taste, that first smoke of the day with that first cup of coffee. Oh yeah baby!

At various points in my life there were “warnings” that perhaps I should quit, or at least slow down a bit.

Like when I went into rehab to address my alcohol addiction, I should have quit.   Later, when I was diagnosed with “exercise induced asthma” by the military, I probably should have quit then too. Then of course, there was the first time I got pneumonia. I could barely smoke 3 cigarettes a day, and it was like getting stabbed in the lungs with long razor blades, but there I was, smoking those 3 – 4 smokes because I “had to.”

Last year, around Father’s Day, I decided I was really needing to quit. I got winded just tying a pair of shoes! I was thinking, “This is freakin’ ridiculous!” There have been various points over the course of the past year where I would go one, two, sometimes even three days without smoking. Invariably, I would always start smoking again because I felt like I was missing something. I couldn’t put my finger on it, and I couldn’t tell you what that something was, but by God, I was missing out on it!

It’s amazing to me that no matter the addiction we are dealing with, the behaviors are always the same. We will try to “control” the addiction; “I’ll only smoke 7 a day.” “I won’t smoke before 10:00.” “I won’t smoke in the car, truck, etc.” Actually, that one I adhered to.

Then there was “I’ll only smoke filtered cigarettes.” “What will I do with myself if I don’t have that first smoke/after dinner smoke/I’m going to bed smoke?” Yep, it was the classic, “I’m losing a friend” insanity. Shit … addiction is SO insidious!

Then there is the also classic “Fuck You!” conversation that you have with yourself xx times a day:

Me:  I am not gonna smoke dammit!
My Addiction: You want one! Think about how good it will taste!
Me: Fuck You!
My Addiction: No, Fuck You! Have one! There now; Isn’t that better?

Well friends … today is the eighth day I have not had any cigarettes.

There are still times when I can not breath as well as I could be, but to some extent, that will improve.

I’ve saved $25 not spent on 3 packs of Camels. I have not had to wash and dry my face, neck, and hands every time I had a smoke because, well, I’m not smoking. The clothes I wear each day do not smell of cigarette smoke, and neither do I!

There is still that nagging feeling of “wanting one,” but now it is a more subdued, quiet, in-the-background kind of whisper I have not answered for eight days now. That unanswered whisper is becoming more and more faint as each day passes. I am still trying to find things to do with my hands! I am drinking more of my beloved Imperial & Dragon Well Green Teas, and much more water and coffee as well.

For now, as with my program of recovery remaining clean & sober, I will take this not smoking challenge “one day at a time.”

It Works If You Work It

39-next-to-Hotel_4312-desktop

Folks in recovery will hear this, or some variant over and over throughout their journey of recovery. It almost sounds cliche. Take heart though; there is a reason this phrase is repeated and “preached” so often. For one thing, it’s the truth. For another, it follows another basic “rule” of the program: “Keep it simple stupid!”

The journey of recovery is like a Zen riddle, a paradox if you will. Staying sober, for the most part is easy, and yet, at the same time, it can be be excruciatingly painful and difficult. Add to that not drinking and maintaining sobriety are two completely different animals.

For many, it is not that hard not to drink. Some, like myself, don’t miss the alcohol, the bars, the driving drunk, hanging out with ass hats, and spending money being with people we don’t want to be with, doing what we don’t want to do, where we don’t necessarily want to be. The only thing I miss personally about drinking is the actual taste of my favorite Scotch. That’s it.

So, not not drinking is one aspect. Staying sober is an entirely different issue. Just because one doesn’t drink, doesn’t mean you have sobriety. You might be “sober,” but that is not the same as sobriety; not by a mile.

Sobriety is about working the program, working the steps, and “putting in the work.” Note the use of the word “work.” Sobriety is about addressing and resolving the issues that were the root cause of your addiction, whether drugs, sex, booze, gambling, whatever. Our addictive behavior is only a symptom of deeper issues and problems. Without addressing these, we can not be free of the addiction. Hence the phrase “dry drunk.” A dry drunk is much worse than a practicing drunk because a dry drunk believes they are making progress simply because they don’t drink.

So what is this work of which I spoke earlier? Read The Big Book. Get a sponsor. Go to meetings. Can’t make a face to face (F2F) meeting for whatever reason? There are video meetings on line. There are AA help lines. There are AA chat rooms as well, local, and international. If you are remotely located or home bound for whatever reason, look into AA Grapevine – AA’s “meeting in print.”

You will only get out of sobriety what you put into it. Maintaining quality sobriety is a lifelong journey. A lot of drunks and addicts don’t make it … put in the work and enjoy a second chance at life.

 

Alcoholics Anonymous

Read The Big Book

Read the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions

2 Chairs At Sunrise

A New Viewpoint …

©Kerzner 2002/2012

©Kerzner 2002/2012

*** As you may have noticed, I have been absent for a while here. Not to worry, all is well! I just elected to step away and take care of some other pressing matters that needed attention in one form or another. So, I am back. Thanks for visiting here with us. ***

It has been several months since I have posted here. I have been thinking over some things, working through other things, and just assessing where I am at in my life, and my recovery.

One thing I have noticed is that I try to be more thoughtful before taking a course of action. In my experience, as I get older, the consequences of a decision seem to have more impact and last longer than when I was younger. As a younger person, much more of life seemed to be “black and white.” Now, there are shades of grey that in my mind, figure into decisions as well.

Time seems to be moving faster as I age. I think about events, and then pause and realize that so and so happened 25 years ago, and yet, to me, it seems as though it was only yesterday.

Friends have come and gone. “Friends” have come and gone as well. I am more particular about whom I share time with, and/or devote my time to. I have done some “shit-canning,” or 86ing as most would refer to it; it is the practice of divesting one’s self of baggage. People, places, and things that are not constructive to me, or my recovery are being cast off. One sided relationships have become fewer and fewer, not because I am an asshole, but because some people and places are just not worth my time anymore.

Another reason I have not written is that I have been working on quitting smoking cigarettes for over a year, and still have not quit. For a time, I thought I was being a hypocrite writing about addiction and recovery, and here it is I have not quit the smoking yet. After all, I have been clean and sober since 26 December 1988, but this smoking thing … I have cut back to under 1/2 a pack a day. I have even gone 1-3 days without any. I have concluded that I will quit completely when I am ready, and apparently, I am not ready yet. But, I am working on it.

So, there you have it. I am still evolving, growing, and working on maintaining my recovery. I will continue to work on the areas I am not satisfied with, realizing that some things take time.

Gratitude Is Still the Attitude

eleanor roosevelt - discuss

Hello to all!

Hope this post finds everyone doing well. Yes, I have been gone for a while, haven’t I? No excuses; it has been far too long!

It has been an interesting year, and I began to concentrate on other things. While I have not neglected my recovery, I obviously have neglected this site. To those who were following me, let me offer my apologies. I will make a renewed effort to write more often in this, the New Year.

This year, like any other was filled with many obstacles I’ve had to navigate; some ethical, some social, some business, and some spiritual.

There have been times this year when I had to make decisions that have put some people off. This is unfortunate, but in the end, I did what I thought was right. Those that were put off can either do their best to see my perspective, even though they don’t agree, or, they can just be put off. Their choice.

In the course of writing, one has to be ever mindful of political sensitivities, as well as personal viewpoints. I have striven to write quality content that is honest, on message, without unnecessary distraction(s) in the outlets I write for. If something is not on point, relative to the story, and the message or theme, I do not bring it into play. In these outlets, I am writing for a specific community, and I see it as my job to be informative, honest, accurate, always moving conversations forward in a productive, positive way. I do not feel I’m be duplicitous by doing this; it’s my responsibility, above all to be professional.

On the social side of things, I have made some changes; some small, and others not so small. I have not been a person that gives with the hope of “getting something in return.” There are those who can not really do anything for me other than be positive, and encourage me. To some, that might not be much, but to me, that is huge! My greatest joy has been to help these people in whatever way I can, even if it is something small, but I know it means a lot to them.

There are others that have helped me in ways that I can not ever repay, tit for tat. As I am usually the one saying, “Don’t worry about it,” this has been difficult for me when I am the one that can not pay someone back, in whatever way. I am getting better though. And, it makes me feel good inside that people care enough to help me achieve my dreams and goals.

There are some adjustments I have made this year as far as dealing with people during the course of “doing business.” Naturally, if a situation becomes intolerable, and the relevant issues can not be resolved in a mutually acceptable manner, one must simply walk away, moving on, and be thankful for the lessons learned. Sometime however, it is not best to move on, if there is a possibility that issues can be resolved.

The biggest issue I’ve dealt with this year has been with people taking me for granted. (Yes, I know that sounds so self-absorbed, but in reality, it is just a matter of practicality, truth, and self-respect.)  In the past, I have given people the benefit of the doubt, but this year, for some reason, I am less and less inclined to do so. There are two ways this happens: Those who just get busy and caught up in their own lives, and those who consciously do it just to squeeze the most they can get out of someone.

If the person is someone close, and someone who is important to me, I’ll see what’s up because maybe there is some serious shit going down in their lives I was not aware of. If I can assist them in some way, and they want my assistance, I will give it.

If it is someone with whom I must do business with, then I am inclined to bring it up and discuss relevant issues. If there is no change, then I speak through actions, or more appropriately, lack of action. Just as silence can be deafening, and as Miles Davis aptly said, “Less is more”, I do not do the extra I had been doing before. I don’t pick up someone’s slack anymore. I carry my weight, and I execute my responsibilities to the best of my ability, but everything else is no longer my concern. (Yes, I am concerned about it to the extent I want it to work out well, but if it is beyond my control, I have to let it go.) And lately, I do not feel angry, nor do I feel guilty. I have worth, as do we all. That’s not conceit, that’s fact. So, for those who no longer value my efforts on the team’s behalf, I guess they will have to pick up the slack, or show me they value my contributions.

As for me, just as me, I have made some strides. On the plus side, I am meeting new people, learning new things, and visiting new places. My recovery is in a good place, and on the 26th of December, I celebrated 26 years clean and sober.

Things I need to work on: Quit smoking and lose weight. Learn more, do more, be more.

The best thing about 2014 is that I am ever more grateful for my wife, Teresa, who encourages me, kicks me in the ass when I need it, and knows me, and loves me anyway. Sure, there are days we drive each other batshit-crazy, but in the end, she is my best friend. I am grateful as well to have a roof over my head, food on the table, and the opportunity to write about the music I love. I am grateful for these past 26 years that I have had, which I would not have lived had I not sought sobriety and recovery.

So, in the end, Gratitude is still the attitude!

About Addiction …

the shining

The recent death of celebrated actor Philip Seymour Hoffman has sparked a very public conversation about addiction. Some of the opinions expressed have come from people who are informed about the many facets of addiction, and some have come from folks that have no clue what addiction is about.

Personally, I have found this public conversation eerily similar in nature to the public discussion of mental heath. On one side there are the professionals that deal with the many aspects of these two diseases on a daily basis. On the other side are mostly well-meaning, but uninformed people.

If someone’s life has not been touched by addiction in some way, then they have not experienced the often gut-wrenching, frustrating agony this disease inflicts on individuals, families, and society as a whole. They have not had to rebuild in the wake of the destruction the disease leaves in its wake.

First and foremost, yes, it is a disease. Wikipedia defines a disease as:

A disease is an abnormal condition that affects the body of an organism. It is often construed as a medical condition associated with specific symptoms and signs. It may be caused by factors originally from an external source, such as infectious disease, or it may be caused by internal dysfunctions, such as autoimmune diseases. In humans, “disease” is often used more broadly to refer to any condition that causes paindysfunctiondistresssocial problems, or death to the person afflicted, or similar problems for those in contact with the person. In this broader sense, it sometimes includes injuriesdisabilitiesdisorderssyndromesinfections, isolated symptoms, deviant behaviors, and atypical variations of structure and function, while in other contexts and for other purposes these may be considered distinguishable categories. Diseases usually affect people not only physically, but also emotionally, as contracting and living with many diseases can alter one’s perspective on life, and one’s personality.

There are many who believe that addiction is simply a matter of “will power,” and can be turned on and off at will. In the case of Philip Seymour Hoffman, he was clean for over 23 years. What a lot of people don’t understand is that there two distinct sides to that statistic.

The first side is that yes, he did stay clean for a considerable period of time. And yes, he stayed clean because he didn’t use. Simple, right?

The other side of this statistic is all the work that Hoffman did to stay clean. He changed his playmates and playgrounds. He didn’t place himself in positions where he was overly vulnerable to the temptations of using, or where his drug of choice was easily obtainable. He probably maintained some schedule of attending meetings in a 12 Step Program. He valued himself as a person, and he valued the life that he had, and was continuing to build. Being in recovery, staying clean, is work! And, it is work that must be done every day. There can be no days off in recovery.

A person in recovery is always vigilant. They are always on the lookout for signs of “stinking thinking.” They, more than anyone, can not afford the luxury of harboring resentments. We all have those voices in our heads that say silly things to us at one time or another. For an addict, these voices can be deadly because they tend to tell addicts how undeserving they are of what goodness they have in their lives.

Someone who is not an addict, and/or not in recovery will never understand this because to their mind it would be absurd to give in to these voices. They understand that everyone may have a bad day, or a “rough patch,” but in their mind they deal with it, and move on. It does not fester like an untreated wound.

With an addict, doubt festers, and without attention, it begins to infect the addict’s well being. This is where the work involved with a good recovery program is so important. Just a little seed, a little crack in the armor, unattended, will often lead to catastrophic failure. It doesn’t matter whether the addiction is drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, or whatever it may be; if you are in a recovery program, you have to work that program faithfully, honestly, and judiciously.

Addiction is sneaky. Relapse is really a slow process that begins when the little things that combine to make a recovery strong are taken for granted, or not done as they should be. Every time an addict “gets away with” not working their program, they are one step closer to relapse because they become more emboldened. “Well, see, that wasn’t so bad,” or “Hmm, nothing bad happened there.”

So, little by little, Mr. Hoffman succumbed to his feelings of doubt, loneliness, and pain. He was still wondering if he really was “good enough.” Good enough as an actor, partner, father, friend, human being. All of the above or some of the above, it really doesn’t matter. He did not work his program. To the uninformed, and those unfamiliar with the struggles of the addicted, this seems utterly insane. Welcome to the world of addiction. It is insane! That’s the point. Addiction is not a rational process, so how could rational people understand? They can empathize. They can sympathize. They will never understand.

Several “good” things have been salvaged from Mr. Hoffman’s untimely death. There is now an ongoing public conversation regarding addiction, treatment, and even to some extent, the mental health issues that are extremely relevant in this context. There is a beginning here. People are starting to at least realize that maybe they shouldn’t be so quick to judge another until they have walked in their shoes, and fought their battles. Maybe a new understanding will come from this tragedy.

The real tragedy is that every death from addiction is an unnecessary waste that possibly could have been prevented.